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[03 Aug 2008|01:11am] |
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Wow, I sound like a whiney douche in my old posts. Though to be fair, I guess I kind of am. Now a days I think I'm more of an angry ranter than a whiney insecure kid. Not sure that's a great change. First post in 32 weeks. Go me.
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(8 Foof scritches |Pet the Foof)
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| Opportunities Missed |
[18 Dec 2007|01:14pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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music |
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Fool's Garden - Welcome Sun |
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I know I haven't posted in a long time, though I don't think that a lot of people really missed my sporatic updates. I also don't blame them, as I have done a poor job of keeping any of my social relationships healthy. I'd like to say this will change, but I don't know if that will happen.
I'm writing this post before I lose the urge to, as I feel it's important. Have you ever felt like there was a moment in time that was meant to happen for your life? Like something was there, ready to click, and so many other things would fall into place? I feel like I had one of those moments in my life, and I missed it. It was there, and it passed... and my life has been stumbling ever since. Today I found myself thinking of one person in particular, whose friendship I've underappreciated and greatly missed. It's been a few years now. Our lives have led us different places, and we may be too far removed now to even kepe in contact, much less connect like we used to. All I can say is... I'm sorry. I'm going to try my best to track you down and keep in touch, assuming you'll still let me. I have a lot of catching up I'd like to do.
I should make a facebook, I need all the help I can get social networking. Something to force me to keep in touch and be here. I'm going to be re-tuning this journal to reflect who I am and who I've become. Right now, it represents me from about 4 years ago, which is very very different. No friend changes should occur. Here's to a new design, a new chance.
Edit: Wow, the planets aligned and as soon as I posted this, I was able to immediately get into contact with said person as they logged onto AIM for the first time in a while. Just... wow.
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(14 Foof scritches |Pet the Foof)
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[20 Sep 2007|11:15am] |
Keeping up with the news in the world only leaves me endlessly infuriated and stressed out. The injustice is everywhere, and leaves me both motivated and paralyzed. I submit.
I bought an ipod nano, one of the new ones. The touch was nice, but too much ballyhoo and not enough substance. Not worth the tag, and the nano was more of what I was looking for. So far, I am pleased.
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(13 Foof scritches |Pet the Foof)
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[14 Sep 2007|01:35pm] |
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So something possessed me to call the Apple store and ask if they had any touchs in, less than 2 hours after I visited them. I was told they got a shipment in AFTER I had visited and was told they wouldn't have any til next week and that they just literally sold the last one while I was on the phone with them. The fact that I am 10 minutes from this store while at work makes matters worse. I should just give up until they're really retail available. Will probably save me a lot of stress, frustration, and disappointment. Bleh.
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(6 Foof scritches |Pet the Foof)
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[14 Sep 2007|11:33am] |
Sorry, I've been busy.
Today, I noticed someone had hit my car sometime in the past week. Wonderful. Not dent, but a large paint scrape, and I mean large. Like a foot long on the side of my bumper. Fucking fantastic.
I found out they were selling Ipod Touchs early, and I booked over to the Apple store to try and get ahold of one, but they were all gone already. I got my hopes up for it, and that just adds to the suck. I noticed the scrape as I was getting in my car to go for said Ipod, so it's like a double blow. Hopefully this day will turn around somewhere.
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(2 Foof scritches |Pet the Foof)
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| No news is good news |
[17 Aug 2007|01:12pm] |
I do not read the news. I used to make a habit of keeping up on it everyday. Then I realized it was just adding to my depression. Let me put it this way, the news is primarily concerned with two topics. Bad news, like disasters, etc, and politics. Neither are good for my stress levels.
A mutal friend of mine linked a story to a news website, which I, despite knowing how I should avoid news, somehow decided to click and read. In a matter of seconds and clicking, I had managed to get myself onto a page and topic that was close to my heart, and had the potential to rile me greatly. Everytime I see large groupings of humanity, I simply lose more and more faith in the species. People say you can make a change, you can fight, blah blah blah. You know what? I can't make people smarter. I can't make them stop believing certain things. I coudl spend my entire life fighting for change, under tons of stress and abuse, and in the end, I wouldn't be any happier from it personally. So screw that. I'm going to take what I have, deal with it, and try and salvage what happiness I can out of it. This is why I don't read the news. I'll keep up on entertainment and technology, and that's about it. Everything else will probably just give me an ulcer.
Yesterday was a wonderful day, simplistic in it's happiness, no real downers, and smooth from end to end. ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) lazyfox moves in in a week, which is both nerve-wracking and exciting. I am looking forward for it to happen, but at the same time, I'm nervous of time moving on as I still have not secured a co-op for the fall. I have another interview on tuesday though, so not all is lost, which is always good.
Hopefully this fall will be the start of designing a new me, and a new life therein. I'd rather not fall prey to the same pitfalls that usually suck me in, leaving me feeling mediocre. More exercise, laughter, and loving will hopefully be the recipe for a good life.
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(6 Foof scritches |Pet the Foof)
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| This journal |
[26 Jul 2007|03:03am] |
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mood |
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esoteric |
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music |
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Within temptation - Forsaken |
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Over the past years, this journal has fallen into disrepair. I imagine it like a summer cottage, gathering cobwebs and dust, still basking in the glow on the fond memories that happened there, but slowly becoming decrepit and falling apart. No regrets, no grief, but still sight is both forlorn and cheering.
I suppose I'm coming off esoteric, and I'm not sure if that's what I intend or not. Basically, I haven't used this journal as an actual journal in years, if ever. I think I'm going to start confiding thoughts, experiences, actual posts. Lately, I've reserved it only for the rare occasion I feel I have some topic I need to grandstand about, and I suppose that has contributed to a greater deterioration of my friends list.
Lack of will power and motivation has ruined a lot of my social life, and in many regards, I need to change that. While I've always kept up on live journal, I've been poor about aim and phone recently. I'll do my best ot talk to more friends via aim, and to keep in touch. Friends are very important to me, and I simply haven't been putting in the effort to make, keep, and enjoy the friendships I've made along the way.
I managed to get ahold of the entire Within Temptation discography recently, and I've been listening to it pretty much non-stop. This may have resulted in my esoteric entry opener, but honestly, I felt like writing, ACTUALLY writing, not just conveying a simple message. I haven't felt that since perhaps 11th grade of highschool, many years ago. (2001 if you're counting).
Today, I managed to hang out with flymonk321 for the first time in many a year. Maybe 3 or so. We've both changed physically, but I think mentally, we're still the same, at least in some regards. We've both aged, matured, and changed, though I'd say for the better. It was good to catch up and just touch base. Reconnecting is a stepping stone we can use to actually reform the friendship we had, and that's something I'm looking forward to. We did nothing of interest, though he did enlighten me to Waffle cone Wednesdays at TCBY, but we simply talked for hours, and I couldn't have asked for more.
Being able to hear about his life, his goals, his thoughts, in a real deep conversation was just so wonderful. It was great to connect with another person that wasn't family or forced. And at the same time, I felt able to share about my personal experience, which as many of you know, has been in a word, 'complicated'. I hope I didn't dominate the conversation in his mind, as for me, I felt it was at least well split between the two of us. Hopefully, in the future, I'll be able to look him up again, and we'll keep in touch in the mean time.
Honestly, I'm not ready to open up all of my feelings, experiences to the world at large, much less just my friends list. Maybe a private post will do, but there's too much at stake in my life to just reveal everything, and I'm not honestly sure about some of the decisions I have made and am going to make. Another in-depth conversation will need to be had this weekend, and we'll see where life takes me.
I'd like to think that maybe this is a milestone, a point in my life where I feel like I can turn things around, conquer my depression, regain my interests, find energy and willpower, to throw off my metaphorical shackles if you will. But this a passing phase, I'm sure, and who knows where tomorrow will lead me. Heck, earlier today, I was weary from the world, and retired to my bed for an hour or two of unfettered thought, which I relished and napped in. Baby steps, baby steps are what is necessary. And support from friends, which I slowly am gaining, refocusing on. Thank you to those who have stuck with me in this rough period, I simply cannot forget or ever repay it.
Tomorrow's to-do list includes an eye exam, and hopefully new lenses for my glasses, which are old, scratched, and woefully out of sight. Also, I will be spending the afternoon with my mother, simply enjoying what time I have with her, probably playing cards and games and talking. I don't see her that much, and it will be nice. The evening will be spent with my brother and his wife, whose company I also enjoy. And the following day I will return to Rochester, to write another chapter of my life.
I adjourn now to bed, before this ephemeral bliss fades. Let us hope this newfound resolve is not fleeting.
Edit: Yes, this is really how my vocabulary is. It simply takes effort to write with meaning and not just to quickly convey thoughts, and usually words don't come to me as quickly and easily as they have on this night.
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(10 Foof scritches |Pet the Foof)
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| Fa goes kersplat |
[25 Jul 2007|03:48am] |
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music |
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Within Temptation - In Perfect Harmony |
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Well, first, LJ crashed for hours due to a data center power failure. They fixed it within a reasonable amount of time, although I still have serious issues with what is happening in the ljbiz community and the restrictions and methods they are talking about.
But more recently FA just literally blew up. An ownership dispute between Alkora and Dragoneer has pretty much downed the site, which was already in trouble with the security issues that were happening and the clash between blueroo and the other admins, as well as w/e Calorath was doing to exploit the site. It's a whole lot of drama that really isn't unexpected from a furry community.
I've been more disgusted by the people slamming the FA admins. If this was a corporately funded site, or a pay site, it would be a much more legitimate claim, but seeing as FA was a privately funded and run site, with no corporate touch... it is just kind of irritating to see them get slammed in that way. The site had a lot of problems, but it had also come a long way, and provided a lot for free to the community. I think slamming them for having drama that causes the site to go down, and w/e the shit that's happening with Alkora and Dragoneer and Pinkuh is perfectly reasonable.
Meh, after finishing the above paragraph, I'm not so sure I agree with it, as the issue was a security issue, and while FA was a free site providing free servicies, people still used it to convey real information that could possibly be hazardous if leaked, etc. I guess I'm just annoyed that the site went down due to drama between a few individuals. Even if it's still up at an ip domain, it's stupid that the whole thing happened. The security problem, combined with this ownership squabble is just unprofessional, and even from a volunteer site, I guess I can see why people are pissed.
I should post more often. I often have daydreams about complex thoughts, memories, or w/e that I think are perfect for LJ. Sometimes, I even start writing the post in my head, but I simply lack the will power and interest to do so. Such is the curse of depression I suppose.
Changes afoot however in the near future. Life has been stressful for me recently, and it's been kind of weird being in a position where I have to let things play out. I'm used to having the ball in my court and not knowing what to do with it. I'll probably check in sometime in the future, and update fully, as opposed to being cryptic, but for now, it's for the best.
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(5 Foof scritches |Pet the Foof)
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[15 Jun 2007|04:52pm] |
My vehicle went in for an oil change and check up as it smelled of gas after my long drive home. Needs a new fuel filter and hose ($50). Also, they noticed a clanking while turning, they traced it to the axle, where it meets the engine housing, and apparently some rubber piece there has deteriorated after the 13 years of having the van, imagine that ($350). While replacing that, they found the sway bar was broken ($300). This was on top of the oil change. ($20-ish). Awesome.
I have some words to say about K and my last post but I'll take the high road for now.
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(9 Foof scritches |Pet the Foof)
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| Half empty |
[02 Jun 2007|10:36am] |
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mood |
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nostalgic |
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music |
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Christopher Tin - Baba Yetu (Casey Stone Remix) |
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I am still here, and I am also still a functional, living human being. Why don't I post more often? Simple, it takes a lot of effort. The way my depression works, I find it hard to motivate myself to do things that only have marginal interest in that require effort. It's a daily struggle. I have a lot of time with my thoughts these days, enough so that I want to make deep, introspective posts more often. It just takes too much out of me often times, and if I don't hop right on the urge, I lose the impulse pretty fast. My friends list is large, at least in my head, but consists of all people that I respect, enjoy, and trust. I feel simply by not posting here often, I've been losing touch with a number of you. I'll have to do my best to change that, and I'd like to ask the help of those of you on here to encourage me to write more, whether through comments on here, AIM messages, or emails or whatever. I want to write more, and I need all the help I can get.
I've made this post before, but it needs to be said again. I miss high school tennis. I miss the comraderie, the competition, the fun! The pre-match nerves, the long points... Hell, I miss practice everyday, which I enjoyed immensely. As dreadful as high school was, it had an awful lot of good points, and I milked them for as much as I could for the most part. I miss the easy access to groups of your peers. I regret nothing other than the fact that it is over, and that it will never be exactly like that again.
I miss Kalamazoo College, but only for a few reasons. I incredibly miss all the friends I made there my final year, a tight knit group that I was honored to call my friends. I miss the easy access to ultimate frisbee, with a number of skilled players and limitless fun. I REALLY miss the Childish Games Commission, playing red light green light on the quad, dodgeball, sardeenes, capture the flag at midnight, sledding in the winter. *sigh* The school itself had a lot of flaws, but I sure/found made what I was looking for. A lot of it was part luck, and some of it was the environment. That tightnitness is what drew me to a small liberal arts college originally, and I did enjoy it. There was no way around being thrust into interaction with others, and for that, I appreciated it. I may have hated the complete overbearing academic loom, the terrible allocation of money, and by god, the cafeteria from hell. One of the worst places I have ever consistantly eaten. Kalamazoo was also a hellhole of a city, and while it wasn't as bad as I could describe it, it certainly wasn't a environment I liked. I sure do miss the hill on the quad though :(
So. I'm in Rochester. I love the area, the environment. RIT is a fantastic school, you can see where all your money is going, and there are like a bazillion options. The ability to do my own thing academically without someone hovering over you 24/7 is wonderful as well. However, I mistakenly thought that with a larger school, there would be bazillions of opportunities to find what I'm looking for. I could not have been more wrong. Despite having 10k students, RIT has a large commuter portion that decimates a tight knit community feel. Couple that with coming in as a transfer student, and the fact that a lot of RIT kids are lacking social skills, and the fact that the primary form of college entertainment, binge drinking + loud music doesn't interest me, and I'm left wanting more. I'd love to try and make a CGC here, but I lack the willpower and encouragement. I simply don't have that wonderful hill to work with. Playing red light green light without a large hill will never feel the same. Couple that with the fact that I don't want to be laughed at without a support base, and going through the effort of doing everything only to have maybe 5 people show up? Maybe no-one? Crushing failure that I'm not willing to risk.
Academically/professionally, I'm struggling hardcore. In school, I will never find the motivation to succeed at any acceptable rate without any interest in the subjects I'm pursuing. I simply cannot force myself to do shit that I have no interest in, which I'm paying money to do, especially with the depression I have. I simply can't. In a job, I will never have that problem, and never have, as I am being paid to do such things, and it is my responsibility to do so, something I don't take very lightly. I just don't think unless something major happens socially or academically that I'm going to make it anywhere. I'm going to fall deeper and deeper into a pit of apathy and mediocrity, never rising towards the respectability and achievement that my vague goals outline.
Suffice it to say, key aspects of my life are missing. Without them, life is still an existance, but one that feels empty. At least a few of my base needs are fulfilled, thus keeping me sustained. But I need more to actually push me to the points that I need to be.
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(9 Foof scritches |Pet the Foof)
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| It rips my life away |
[14 May 2007|03:53am] |
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mood |
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introspective |
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music |
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Dido - I Am What I Am |
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I just want some one to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made
And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape
escape......escape......escape......
Blind Melon - No Rain
I've come to the basic understanding that some of the base goals for what I figure will bring me happiness in my life are not solely reachable through my own willpower or effort. Rather, they rely on other's thoughts and wills. This helps feel an overwhelming feeling of despair that at times threatens to overwhelm me, and paralyze me with inactivity. Depression is a constant fight to stay motivated and fighting. While my residual anger somewhat fuels some of that depression, it also sparks in me the defiance that gets me focused towards what I want.
Life is a neverending trip of trial and error, experience and grow. Pleasure and pain, if you will. Somethings, I can control. Other things, I cannot.
Ironically, my biggest pasttime and relaxation activity has perhaps become one of my largest responsibilites and creation of stress. Such is the price one pays for a leadership position. Suffice it to say, I wish all people were wellspoken, intelligent, and fun loving like some of the people I feel priveledged to call friends. I also realize I just spelled that wrong, but it is too late for me to look up the correct spelling.
I am a person who has always focused on the music more than lyrics. I judge a good song first on the music, the harmonies, and the way the sound intermingles. Only then do I take into account lyrics and message. Regardless, I can still at times find songs that fit my feelings and encapsulates the emotions I am emitting.
I wish that I could just sit down and talk with people and really get messages across. To have my feelings be understood, acknowledged, and appreciated. To be shown that I matter. I suppose that is something that is important to me. I've become much less high maintenance as I've grown, but I still like to know that I'm appreciated, especially by those who are close to me. Probably comes from the family I was raised in, and just the way love has always been expressed in my family.
I can't fix all my problems. A never ending struggle between the black void that is apathy and inaction, to the unknown extremes of uncalculated, blind and rash decision making. A median is ideal, but tough to maintain.
Life is hard folks.
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(5 Foof scritches |Pet the Foof)
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[05 May 2007|05:42pm] |
Today has been a large struggle to try and convince myself that I am a worthwhile human being with potential. Isn't depression fun?
It's also very difficult when you're stuck in a lackluster major, with mediocre grades, doing stuff that you sort of like, living in an apartment that probably won't be available to you next year, lacking any immediate friends in the area to hang out with, with your credit card maxed out with no way to pay it, and thousands of dollars in debt, with no immediate job prospects.
Oh yeah, I'm doing awesome. How're you?
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(6 Foof scritches |Pet the Foof)
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| This was quite neat |
[26 Apr 2007|03:12am] |
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mood |
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 mischievous |
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This little applet is pretty intriguing. I'm current an ocelot after my original input. However, after you make your decisions, it can change my animal that represents me. Kind of interesting. Mess with it, but be honest!
Edit: WTF, why am I a mouse now. I liked it when I was a fox for a while.
Editx2: ok, back to cat again.
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(14 Foof scritches |Pet the Foof)
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| Out of a home |
[19 Apr 2007|10:46pm] |
One of my roommates has already bailed on us for the next year, and I'm pretty sure the other is talking to him about which of their friends he would want to live with right now, meaning he is going to bail too. This leaves me with absolutely nowhere to go for next year. I know very few people in the area, and with it being almost the end of april, I have no idea what I'm going to do for the fall. Damnit.
Edit: Forgive me for whining and being angsty, but I have a group project that I'm frantically working on as it's due at midnight, and I'm just depairing at my bleak lack of options for the fall.
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(9 Foof scritches |Pet the Foof)
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