Dp's realm of insanity

Opportunities Missed

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 18:14:26 GMT

I know I haven't posted in a long time, though I don't think that a lot of people really missed my sporatic updates. I also don't blame them, as I have done a poor job of keeping any of my social relationships healthy. I'd like to say this will change, but I don't know if that will happen.

I'm writing this post before I lose the urge to, as I feel it's important. Have you ever felt like there was a moment in time that was meant to happen for your life? Like something was there, ready to click, and so many other things would fall into place? I feel like I had one of those moments in my life, and I missed it. It was there, and it passed... and my life has been stumbling ever since. Today I found myself thinking of one person in particular, whose friendship I've underappreciated and greatly missed. It's been a few years now. Our lives have led us different places, and we may be too far removed now to even kepe in contact, much less connect like we used to. All I can say is... I'm sorry. I'm going to try my best to track you down and keep in touch, assuming you'll still let me. I have a lot of catching up I'd like to do.

I should make a facebook, I need all the help I can get social networking. Something to force me to keep in touch and be here. I'm going to be re-tuning this journal to reflect who I am and who I've become. Right now, it represents me from about 4 years ago, which is very very different. No friend changes should occur. Here's to a new design, a new chance.

Edit: Wow, the planets aligned and as soon as I posted this, I was able to immediately get into contact with said person as they logged onto AIM for the first time in a while. Just... wow.

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 15:17:07 GMT

Keeping up with the news in the world only leaves me endlessly infuriated and stressed out. The injustice is everywhere, and leaves me both motivated and paralyzed. I submit.

I bought an ipod nano, one of the new ones. The touch was nice, but too much ballyhoo and not enough substance. Not worth the tag, and the nano was more of what I was looking for. So far, I am pleased.

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 17:37:16 GMT

So something possessed me to call the Apple store and ask if they had any touchs in, less than 2 hours after I visited them. I was told they got a shipment in AFTER I had visited and was told they wouldn't have any til next week and that they just literally sold the last one while I was on the phone with them. The fact that I am 10 minutes from this store while at work makes matters worse. I should just give up until they're really retail available. Will probably save me a lot of stress, frustration, and disappointment. Bleh.

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 15:36:11 GMT

Sorry, I've been busy.

Today, I noticed someone had hit my car sometime in the past week. Wonderful. Not dent, but a large paint scrape, and I mean large. Like a foot long on the side of my bumper. Fucking fantastic.

I found out they were selling Ipod Touchs early, and I booked over to the Apple store to try and get ahold of one, but they were all gone already. I got my hopes up for it, and that just adds to the suck. I noticed the scrape as I was getting in my car to go for said Ipod, so it's like a double blow. Hopefully this day will turn around somewhere.

Meme

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 22:04:57 GMT

I removed the tab that said if you were completely honest, add 500, because I thought it was stupid.

Smoked pot -- $10 -
Did acid -- $5 -
Did some X -- $15 -
Did cocaine -- $20 -
Did meth -- $25 -
Ever had sex at church -- $25 -
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $40 -
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25 -
Had sex for money -- $100 -
Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican -- $20-
Had sex with members of the same family -- $50-
Had sex with 2 different people in the same day -- $50-
Vandalized something -- $20-
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10-
Beat up someone -- $20-
Been jumped -- $10-
Crossed dressed -- $10-
Given money to stripper -- $25-
Been in love with a stripper -- $20-
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$10-
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $15-
Ever drive drunk -- $20-
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50-
Used toys while having sex -- $30-
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20 -
Went skinny dipping -- $5-
Had sex in a pool -- $20-
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10-
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20-
Cheated on your significant other -- $10-
Masturbated -- $10-
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$50-
Done oral -- $5-
Got oral -- $5-
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25-
Stole something -- $10-
Had sex with someone in jail -- $1000-
Spit in someones food --$25-
Made a nasty home video -- $15-
Had a threesome -- $50-
Had sex in the wild -- $20-
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25-
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20-
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20-
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25-
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50-
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25-
Went streaking -- $5-
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15-
Been arrested -- $5-
Spent time in jail -- $15-
Played spin the bottle -- $5-
Done something you regret -- $20-
Had sex with your best friend -- $20-
Had sex with someone you work with at work --$25-
Had anal sex -- $80-
Lied to your mate -- $5-
Lied to your mate about the sex being good --$25-
Been raped -- $500-
Have raped -- $200-
Had sex with some one under 16 -- $300-
Had sex with a dog -- $25-
Had sex with a horse -- $50-
Had sex with a cat -- $75 extra points $50 if you tied it up so you didn't get scratched)-
have you ever has sex in a fursuit -- $100-
Have you ever had sex wile your partner where a fursuit -- $100-
Been spanked by a lover -- $50-
Been wiped by a lover -- $ 100-
Been fisted -- $150-
If you know what "CBT" stands for -- $250-
Used whip cream in bed -- $25-
Used handcuffs in bed -- $50-
Used a whip or pattal in bed -- $75-
Ever imagined the person you where having sex with was some one else -- $100-
If you have had a butt plug in for more then an hour -- $75-
If you ever used any vacuum cleaner attachments -- $100-
Had some one come climb in your bedroom window for sex so your parents would not find out -- $100-
Used a blow up doll -- $50-
Drove away from a car accident you caused -- $500-
Cut your self on purpose -- $100-
Cut some one else on purpose -- $150-
Pissed on some one $10 Add $10 if they drank it-
Been pissed on $15 add $20 if you drank it-
Shit on some one $20 add $25 if they ate it-
Been shit on $25 add $50 if you ate it-
If you have ever been shot -- $300-
Dyed your hair -- $10-
Dyed your pubes -- $20-
If you ever ate your own cum vaginal fluids for females)-- $20-
Smoked wile having sex -- $20-
Ate a sandwich wile having sex -- $50-
Slapped some one across the face wile fucking them-- $100-
If ever shoved a candle up some ones ass and lit it-- $200-
Fucked some one wile they where crying-- $300-
If you have ever fucked a girl on the rag -- $100-
If you ate her out after -- $200-
If you have sucked you're own cum out of a guys ass -- $200-
Didn't use a condom -- $50-
Got an STD -- $ 25-
Have an STD -- $ 100-
Planed to kill some one -- $50-
Killed somebody -- $1,000-
Add $5 for each tattoo and piercing you have-2 ears
Add $10 for each scar over an inch long that you have-0

No news is good news

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 17:12:32 GMT

I do not read the news. I used to make a habit of keeping up on it everyday. Then I realized it was just adding to my depression. Let me put it this way, the news is primarily concerned with two topics. Bad news, like disasters, etc, and politics. Neither are good for my stress levels.

A mutal friend of mine linked a story to a news website, which I, despite knowing how I should avoid news, somehow decided to click and read. In a matter of seconds and clicking, I had managed to get myself onto a page and topic that was close to my heart, and had the potential to rile me greatly. Everytime I see large groupings of humanity, I simply lose more and more faith in the species. People say you can make a change, you can fight, blah blah blah. You know what? I can't make people smarter. I can't make them stop believing certain things. I coudl spend my entire life fighting for change, under tons of stress and abuse, and in the end, I wouldn't be any happier from it personally. So screw that. I'm going to take what I have, deal with it, and try and salvage what happiness I can out of it. This is why I don't read the news. I'll keep up on entertainment and technology, and that's about it. Everything else will probably just give me an ulcer.

Yesterday was a wonderful day, simplistic in it's happiness, no real downers, and smooth from end to end. lazyfox moves in in a week, which is both nerve-wracking and exciting. I am looking forward for it to happen, but at the same time, I'm nervous of time moving on as I still have not secured a co-op for the fall. I have another interview on tuesday though, so not all is lost, which is always good.

Hopefully this fall will be the start of designing a new me, and a new life therein. I'd rather not fall prey to the same pitfalls that usually suck me in, leaving me feeling mediocre. More exercise, laughter, and loving will hopefully be the recipe for a good life.

This journal

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 07:03:52 GMT

Over the past years, this journal has fallen into disrepair. I imagine it like a summer cottage, gathering cobwebs and dust, still basking in the glow on the fond memories that happened there, but slowly becoming decrepit and falling apart. No regrets, no grief, but still sight is both forlorn and cheering.

I suppose I'm coming off esoteric, and I'm not sure if that's what I intend or not. Basically, I haven't used this journal as an actual journal in years, if ever. I think I'm going to start confiding thoughts, experiences, actual posts. Lately, I've reserved it only for the rare occasion I feel I have some topic I need to grandstand about, and I suppose that has contributed to a greater deterioration of my friends list.

Lack of will power and motivation has ruined a lot of my social life, and in many regards, I need to change that. While I've always kept up on live journal, I've been poor about aim and phone recently. I'll do my best ot talk to more friends via aim, and to keep in touch. Friends are very important to me, and I simply haven't been putting in the effort to make, keep, and enjoy the friendships I've made along the way.

I managed to get ahold of the entire Within Temptation discography recently, and I've been listening to it pretty much non-stop. This may have resulted in my esoteric entry opener, but honestly, I felt like writing, ACTUALLY writing, not just conveying a simple message. I haven't felt that since perhaps 11th grade of highschool, many years ago. (2001 if you're counting).

Today, I managed to hang out with flymonk321 for the first time in many a year. Maybe 3 or so. We've both changed physically, but I think mentally, we're still the same, at least in some regards. We've both aged, matured, and changed, though I'd say for the better. It was good to catch up and just touch base. Reconnecting is a stepping stone we can use to actually reform the friendship we had, and that's something I'm looking forward to. We did nothing of interest, though he did enlighten me to Waffle cone Wednesdays at TCBY, but we simply talked for hours, and I couldn't have asked for more.

Being able to hear about his life, his goals, his thoughts, in a real deep conversation was just so wonderful. It was great to connect with another person that wasn't family or forced. And at the same time, I felt able to share about my personal experience, which as many of you know, has been in a word, 'complicated'. I hope I didn't dominate the conversation in his mind, as for me, I felt it was at least well split between the two of us. Hopefully, in the future, I'll be able to look him up again, and we'll keep in touch in the mean time.

Honestly, I'm not ready to open up all of my feelings, experiences to the world at large, much less just my friends list. Maybe a private post will do, but there's too much at stake in my life to just reveal everything, and I'm not honestly sure about some of the decisions I have made and am going to make. Another in-depth conversation will need to be had this weekend, and we'll see where life takes me.

I'd like to think that maybe this is a milestone, a point in my life where I feel like I can turn things around, conquer my depression, regain my interests, find energy and willpower, to throw off my metaphorical shackles if you will. But this a passing phase, I'm sure, and who knows where tomorrow will lead me. Heck, earlier today, I was weary from the world, and retired to my bed for an hour or two of unfettered thought, which I relished and napped in. Baby steps, baby steps are what is necessary. And support from friends, which I slowly am gaining, refocusing on. Thank you to those who have stuck with me in this rough period, I simply cannot forget or ever repay it.

Tomorrow's to-do list includes an eye exam, and hopefully new lenses for my glasses, which are old, scratched, and woefully out of sight. Also, I will be spending the afternoon with my mother, simply enjoying what time I have with her, probably playing cards and games and talking. I don't see her that much, and it will be nice. The evening will be spent with my brother and his wife, whose company I also enjoy. And the following day I will return to Rochester, to write another chapter of my life.

I adjourn now to bed, before this ephemeral bliss fades. Let us hope this newfound resolve is not fleeting.

Edit: Yes, this is really how my vocabulary is. It simply takes effort to write with meaning and not just to quickly convey thoughts, and usually words don't come to me as quickly and easily as they have on this night.

Fa goes kersplat

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 07:48:53 GMT

Well, first, LJ crashed for hours due to a data center power failure. They fixed it within a reasonable amount of time, although I still have serious issues with what is happening in the ljbiz community and the restrictions and methods they are talking about.

But more recently FA just literally blew up. An ownership dispute between Alkora and Dragoneer has pretty much downed the site, which was already in trouble with the security issues that were happening and the clash between blueroo and the other admins, as well as w/e Calorath was doing to exploit the site. It's a whole lot of drama that really isn't unexpected from a furry community.

I've been more disgusted by the people slamming the FA admins. If this was a corporately funded site, or a pay site, it would be a much more legitimate claim, but seeing as FA was a privately funded and run site, with no corporate touch... it is just kind of irritating to see them get slammed in that way. The site had a lot of problems, but it had also come a long way, and provided a lot for free to the community. I think slamming them for having drama that causes the site to go down, and w/e the shit that's happening with Alkora and Dragoneer and Pinkuh is perfectly reasonable.

Meh, after finishing the above paragraph, I'm not so sure I agree with it, as the issue was a security issue, and while FA was a free site providing free servicies, people still used it to convey real information that could possibly be hazardous if leaked, etc. I guess I'm just annoyed that the site went down due to drama between a few individuals. Even if it's still up at an ip domain, it's stupid that the whole thing happened. The security problem, combined with this ownership squabble is just unprofessional, and even from a volunteer site, I guess I can see why people are pissed.

I should post more often. I often have daydreams about complex thoughts, memories, or w/e that I think are perfect for LJ. Sometimes, I even start writing the post in my head, but I simply lack the will power and interest to do so. Such is the curse of depression I suppose.

Changes afoot however in the near future. Life has been stressful for me recently, and it's been kind of weird being in a position where I have to let things play out. I'm used to having the ball in my court and not knowing what to do with it. I'll probably check in sometime in the future, and update fully, as opposed to being cryptic, but for now, it's for the best.

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 20:52:26 GMT

My vehicle went in for an oil change and check up as it smelled of gas after my long drive home. Needs a new fuel filter and hose ($50). Also, they noticed a clanking while turning, they traced it to the axle, where it meets the engine housing, and apparently some rubber piece there has deteriorated after the 13 years of having the van, imagine that ($350). While replacing that, they found the sway bar was broken ($300). This was on top of the oil change. ($20-ish). Awesome.

I have some words to say about K and my last post but I'll take the high road for now.

Zombie sheep

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 14:47:19 GMT

Totally going to see this: http://www.blacksheep-themovie.com/

Half empty

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 14:36:45 GMT

I am still here, and I am also still a functional, living human being. Why don't I post more often? Simple, it takes a lot of effort. The way my depression works, I find it hard to motivate myself to do things that only have marginal interest in that require effort. It's a daily struggle. I have a lot of time with my thoughts these days, enough so that I want to make deep, introspective posts more often. It just takes too much out of me often times, and if I don't hop right on the urge, I lose the impulse pretty fast. My friends list is large, at least in my head, but consists of all people that I respect, enjoy, and trust. I feel simply by not posting here often, I've been losing touch with a number of you. I'll have to do my best to change that, and I'd like to ask the help of those of you on here to encourage me to write more, whether through comments on here, AIM messages, or emails or whatever. I want to write more, and I need all the help I can get.

I've made this post before, but it needs to be said again. I miss high school tennis. I miss the comraderie, the competition, the fun! The pre-match nerves, the long points... Hell, I miss practice everyday, which I enjoyed immensely. As dreadful as high school was, it had an awful lot of good points, and I milked them for as much as I could for the most part. I miss the easy access to groups of your peers. I regret nothing other than the fact that it is over, and that it will never be exactly like that again.

I miss Kalamazoo College, but only for a few reasons. I incredibly miss all the friends I made there my final year, a tight knit group that I was honored to call my friends. I miss the easy access to ultimate frisbee, with a number of skilled players and limitless fun. I REALLY miss the Childish Games Commission, playing red light green light on the quad, dodgeball, sardeenes, capture the flag at midnight, sledding in the winter. *sigh* The school itself had a lot of flaws, but I sure/found made what I was looking for. A lot of it was part luck, and some of it was the environment. That tightnitness is what drew me to a small liberal arts college originally, and I did enjoy it. There was no way around being thrust into interaction with others, and for that, I appreciated it. I may have hated the complete overbearing academic loom, the terrible allocation of money, and by god, the cafeteria from hell. One of the worst places I have ever consistantly eaten. Kalamazoo was also a hellhole of a city, and while it wasn't as bad as I could describe it, it certainly wasn't a environment I liked. I sure do miss the hill on the quad though :(

So. I'm in Rochester. I love the area, the environment. RIT is a fantastic school, you can see where all your money is going, and there are like a bazillion options. The ability to do my own thing academically without someone hovering over you 24/7 is wonderful as well. However, I mistakenly thought that with a larger school, there would be bazillions of opportunities to find what I'm looking for. I could not have been more wrong. Despite having 10k students, RIT has a large commuter portion that decimates a tight knit community feel. Couple that with coming in as a transfer student, and the fact that a lot of RIT kids are lacking social skills, and the fact that the primary form of college entertainment, binge drinking + loud music doesn't interest me, and I'm left wanting more. I'd love to try and make a CGC here, but I lack the willpower and encouragement. I simply don't have that wonderful hill to work with. Playing red light green light without a large hill will never feel the same. Couple that with the fact that I don't want to be laughed at without a support base, and going through the effort of doing everything only to have maybe 5 people show up? Maybe no-one? Crushing failure that I'm not willing to risk.

Academically/professionally, I'm struggling hardcore. In school, I will never find the motivation to succeed at any acceptable rate without any interest in the subjects I'm pursuing. I simply cannot force myself to do shit that I have no interest in, which I'm paying money to do, especially with the depression I have. I simply can't. In a job, I will never have that problem, and never have, as I am being paid to do such things, and it is my responsibility to do so, something I don't take very lightly. I just don't think unless something major happens socially or academically that I'm going to make it anywhere. I'm going to fall deeper and deeper into a pit of apathy and mediocrity, never rising towards the respectability and achievement that my vague goals outline.

Suffice it to say, key aspects of my life are missing. Without them, life is still an existance, but one that feels empty. At least a few of my base needs are fulfilled, thus keeping me sustained. But I need more to actually push me to the points that I need to be.

Sat, 26 May 2007 17:36:04 GMT

Interesting meme, cut because it is somewhat large:

The Everything Test

There are many different types of tests on the internet today. Personality tests, purity tests, stereotype tests, political tests. But now, there is one test to rule them all.

Traditionally, online tests would ask certain questions about your musical tastes or clothing for a stereotype, your experiences for a purity test, or deep questions for a personality test.We're turning that upside down - all the questions affect all the results, and we've got some innovative results too! Enjoy :-)

Personality

You are more emotional than logical, more concerned about others than concerned about self, more atheist than religious, more dependent than loner, more lazy than workaholic, more rebel than traditional, more engineering mind than artistic mind, more cynical than idealist, more leader than follower, and more extroverted than introverted.

As for specific personality traits, you are romantic (86%), slutty (76%), innovative (64%), greedy (60%).

Stereotypes
College Student	64%
Punk Rock	60%
Hippie	58%

Life Experience
Sex	56%
Substances	8%
Travel	32%

Politics
Your political views would best be described as Liberal, whom you agree with around 50% of the time.

Socioeconomic
Your attitude toward life best associates you with Working Class. You make more than 41% of those who have taken this test, and 84% less than the U.S. average.

If your life was a movie, it would be rated R.
By the way, your hottness rank is 67%, hotter than 73% of other test takers.

TAKE THE TEST
brought to you by thatsurveysite

It rips my life away

Mon, 14 May 2007 07:54:13 GMT

I just want some one to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made
And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape
escape......escape......escape......

Blind Melon - No Rain

I've come to the basic understanding that some of the base goals for what I figure will bring me happiness in my life are not solely reachable through my own willpower or effort. Rather, they rely on other's thoughts and wills. This helps feel an overwhelming feeling of despair that at times threatens to overwhelm me, and paralyze me with inactivity. Depression is a constant fight to stay motivated and fighting. While my residual anger somewhat fuels some of that depression, it also sparks in me the defiance that gets me focused towards what I want.

Life is a neverending trip of trial and error, experience and grow. Pleasure and pain, if you will. Somethings, I can control. Other things, I cannot.

Ironically, my biggest pasttime and relaxation activity has perhaps become one of my largest responsibilites and creation of stress. Such is the price one pays for a leadership position. Suffice it to say, I wish all people were wellspoken, intelligent, and fun loving like some of the people I feel priveledged to call friends. I also realize I just spelled that wrong, but it is too late for me to look up the correct spelling.

I am a person who has always focused on the music more than lyrics. I judge a good song first on the music, the harmonies, and the way the sound intermingles. Only then do I take into account lyrics and message. Regardless, I can still at times find songs that fit my feelings and encapsulates the emotions I am emitting.

I wish that I could just sit down and talk with people and really get messages across. To have my feelings be understood, acknowledged, and appreciated. To be shown that I matter. I suppose that is something that is important to me. I've become much less high maintenance as I've grown, but I still like to know that I'm appreciated, especially by those who are close to me. Probably comes from the family I was raised in, and just the way love has always been expressed in my family.

I can't fix all my problems. A never ending struggle between the black void that is apathy and inaction, to the unknown extremes of uncalculated, blind and rash decision making. A median is ideal, but tough to maintain.

Life is hard folks.

Sat, 05 May 2007 21:43:10 GMT

Today has been a large struggle to try and convince myself that I am a worthwhile human being with potential. Isn't depression fun?

It's also very difficult when you're stuck in a lackluster major, with mediocre grades, doing stuff that you sort of like, living in an apartment that probably won't be available to you next year, lacking any immediate friends in the area to hang out with, with your credit card maxed out with no way to pay it, and thousands of dollars in debt, with no immediate job prospects.

Oh yeah, I'm doing awesome. How're you?

This was quite neat

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 07:13:07 GMT

This little applet is pretty intriguing. I'm current an ocelot after my original input. However, after you make your decisions, it can change my animal that represents me. Kind of interesting. Mess with it, but be honest!

Edit: WTF, why am I a mouse now. I liked it when I was a fox for a while.

Editx2: ok, back to cat again.

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 07:52:14 GMT

OMG IT IS 3:50 IN THE MORNING GO TO BED YOU STUPID BIRDS

Out of a home

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 02:46:34 GMT

One of my roommates has already bailed on us for the next year, and I'm pretty sure the other is talking to him about which of their friends he would want to live with right now, meaning he is going to bail too. This leaves me with absolutely nowhere to go for next year. I know very few people in the area, and with it being almost the end of april, I have no idea what I'm going to do for the fall. Damnit.

Edit: Forgive me for whining and being angsty, but I have a group project that I'm frantically working on as it's due at midnight, and I'm just depairing at my bleak lack of options for the fall.

wtf

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 09:40:03 GMT

Wtf, why is it snowing out. It's almost May. Lamesauce

Justice is no more

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 05:59:23 GMT

Noooooo! fuck you world! Kurt Vonnegut is dead. All good things must come to an end, I suppose, but this saddens me greatly.

I am working on my previous entry, btw. Just give me time. I am sad now. :(

What scares you?

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 22:10:22 GMT

For every person who comments to this meme and tells me one of their
fears or phobias (rational or not), I will edit this post to add
another of my own. Fears can be of anything, from the serious to the
(outwardly) silly, just as long as it's true.

When I was younger, and still to this day, I could never sleep on a top bunk bed without some kind of rail to save me from the edge of perilous doom. I've really only rolled out of bed once on any occasion, and I was around 9 at the time, but I still have this uncanny fear that I will somehow roll out of bed, and not wake up in time and I'll land on my head.

For lunaoir: Shadow peopleGrowing up in my old house, up until around 7th grade, as far back as I can remember, I saw them occasionally. They were just full shadow outlines of people in your peripheral vision. You'd double take look and they'd be gone, but you'd be left feeling horribly shaken and unnerved.

After I moved, I don't think I ever saw one again. I remember talking to my dad about it in 6th grade in some random conversation it got brought up. And it was mentioned that sometimes people see things like that, and I was like ... uh, I see them all the
time here. I thought everyone had random hallucination things like that. And he was all like ...no. So that's pretty much when I was like uh...

I was irrationally afraid of the unfinished side of the
basement in that house, and the basement in general. I spent a lot of time in it though, and it still scared the hell out of me at times, even when I got older, for no reason at all. I don't know why. I've had
no problem with the completely unfinished basement at my parent's new house, nor the basement of my townhouse. Fucking shadow people. creeps me out now when I realize how often it happened there.

For ddragoon: I am still stupidily afraid that when walking over bridges, said bridges will fall apart when I am upon them. Usually said fear is at its worst when I am at the middle joint, and I feel like it's going to fall apart.

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 03:31:34 GMT

Because Siku requested it AND said he'd actually log on and look at it. I fully expect a comment from him. If not, I will be sad. I'm in Detroit for the Easter weekend, as I flew in today, after a 2 hour delay for a really really bad reason. Regardless, I won't be flying northwest again. It was nice to catch up with Siku on the phone though. Anyway...

The hair cut I currently roll with. Aka, what I look like after I cut my longish hair.

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 12:40:24 GMT

I need more songs from Snow Patrol. Songs like counting blue cars, and other things by them. All I currently have is chocolate, which is a good song, but I crave more.

Fuck

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 19:17:30 GMT

I got up and attended my 10 AM class, only to find that it was full, and no overrides allowed. This was kind of sucky, but I went to my advisor during the break between classes I had, and we worked out an alternate class I could take, so hopefully, my loan will process soon, and I can register for classes and be done with all this switcherooing.

My next class was the one I was worried about, and apparently I had a right to be. I was actually proud of myself, as I was able to listen to, absorb, take notes, learn and re-learn, and be into the java mechanics that were being taught. Up until about an hour into the course. Then, I seriously feel I hit a my brain is full moment. I could no-longer process anything being said. He was flying through things rather quickly, and it was just stuff that I had never heard of and it all went over my head. It also didn't help that his examples weren't really small helpful examples, but rather GIANT monstrous programs that had every function we had covered in like, 1.5 hours of lecture and even some things we didn't, and him just highlighting stuff didn't really help aside from teaching me some tricks of the coding program we're using. I'm incredibly daunted by our first homework assignment, which is to code the entire game Mastermind into a Java program by tuesday. Heh, going to require a lot of work.

It didn't help that I was completely messed up because of an event that happened at lunch. I ran into my old boss, Laura, who I worked with last saturday. She passed on a bit of bad news to me that has torn me up quite a bit. Basically, one of my co-workers, Pete, who I worked with last summer, and I became good friends. We hung out quite a bit, and I really enjoyed the company of him and his fiance Maritza. We saw each other a number of times after work had ended. Our last contact had been in December when I had to cancel from their xmas party after I got mono. I had talked to them for a few months because of business, sickness, and just plain forgetfulness. Recently, I had been thinking of calling them to get together again.

Laura informed me that two weeks ago Maritza had been in a serious car accident. She was currently in a coma at Strong hospital. Laura was shocked that no-one had called me, as she had tried to inform all of the summer housing staff. Right now I'm rather devastated. Maritza was always such an energetic, fun loving incredible person, and to imagine her in a coma and barely clinging to life... guh. I want to call Pete, but I can't just CALL pete and be like, hey, and I want to know how to help, and I wish I could make everything better but I can't. It's all be in place for weeks, and just now I find out and it's like, whoa. I'm attempting to get into contact with another of my co-workers who knows Pete, and see if he's been in contact with Pete and to find out what the best way to help is.

I had really just gotten my life together. I had organized most of my shit, and gotten ontop of everything and I was proud of how things were going. Now, I'm pretty fucked up today because of this and feeling completely unsteady. I regret not having talked to them for the past 2 months. If she dies, the last thing I ever said to her was that I couldn't go to her party. God damnit, this fucking sucks. Please keep her in your thoughts/prayers for me folks, she is a fantastic individual who really didn't deserve this in any way.

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 09:47:59 GMT

Why do I always get talkative at retarded times at night? I suppose it's better than I'm up this time, as opposed to being in bed when it happens. I actually think up really intelligent long awesome LJ entries in bed too, but I never get the will power or remember to write them all out. Sucks I guess.

I am attempting to start schooling again on this coming monday. I have a bit of an uphill battle, as financial difficulties are weighing against me. My financial aid got denied because I was .02 below the required gpa for over 30 credit hours. Because of my sleep and depression issues, this isn't a large surprise. I've had nothing but rocky times at this school, mainly because it is so different from kalamazoo. Sometimes I wonder if I ever should have left Kzoo, and rather should have changed majors to computer sci there. I had a wonderful group of friends that I found that 3rd year, and I still miss them terribly. Life for me is at its peak when I have a core group of friends that I hang out with. When I flew out to Colorado for this past week, life was great. When I was in highschool, or get together with my old highschool friends, life is great. When I had my core friends at K, things became great. Sadly, I had a large amount of issues with the school, which is what made it not so great for me. I really wasn't happy there, despite the fact that I loved the people. Love also is a strong strong pull for me, and that feeling of completeness was enough for me to trek to new horizons and greener pastures. Now, here I am, not much better off when I started. I have a great school which I have nothing but good words for, but I'm doing much worse academically, and I have no core group of friends. Love is a fickle thing, and everything can be so complicated. Do I regret my choice? No, I probably would have made that same decision a thousand times over. I miss everyone there though.

So, what is going on here? Well, as I said, I have to overturn my financial aid appeal with my documented medical history, which I think I have a good shot with. I will be attending classes this coming week despite not being registered for them because of the delay in their decision making process. What is kind of stupid about the whole thing is that if they decided to grant me extenuating circumstances, THEN I get to take out a $11k loan. They're not really doing me any favors.

People ask me, why is it going to be different this time? Why are you not just going to fail like you did in previous quarters? that's a hard question to answer. From all the testing and talking and discussion and diagnosis, the only thing I've come to learn is that my sleeping disorder is exactly not a sleeping disorder, it is an intense side effect from both my depression and the medication I use to treat it. Not sure which it comes from, but regardless it's a large problem. I often end up sleeping 10-12 hours a day if I'm not careful, and it is very hard to curb these sleeping urges on my own. But I'm doing my best to work at them and become better at combatting it. On top of that, I'm doing my best to become a more positive person. I'll still have my pessimistic humor style for sure, no worries there, but I'm working on not getting down on myself and getting down in general. I need help though, doing it all on my own is tough, so the more I can stay up and happy and not depressed, the better I feel, and the better life is.

It's hard to come to terms with a depression as sever is mine. I used to not think of it that way, but the problems I experience... It's so hard to explain to people who don't suffer from it why I get the way I do. I can't help or control it. That's why I'm doing my best to be more active, more up, more positive, and much more energetic. Hopefully it'll make me more of a likeable person.

I kind of lost my thought process, revelling in this song and talking with jonathansfox. I guess I'm a bit distractable and up right now, so I'm just indulging however I can to enjoy the happiness I feel :) As I mentioned above, love is a fickle thing. To be blatantly honest, I still love lazyfox. I tried for a number of months to get somewhat over him, and it just didn't happen. We have our arguments, but we mesh so well, and have so much fun together. I'm also learning that a number of our problems stemmed from my depression, which is a thing I'm doing my best to correct. Combine that with the fact that I've been doing best to curtail our arguments when they start, and find out how blowups happen. It's not an easy process, but it is something. There are no promises, no guarantees between us. But I know we both enjoy each other and the time we spend together, and I can either hope that I can have the strength to move beyond this, or to have the luck and enjoyment of having a mended relationship form back together. As stressful as that sounds, it actually isn't.

Speaking of stress, I guess most of it comes from my financial debts. I've been having trouble finding a job, and it douesn't help that I seem to have hands grabbing money from me in all directions. It's all part of growing up and learning, but that doesn't make it any better honestly. Some of the debt just makes me want to curl up and hide, or sleep and just not deal with it. It certainly doesn't help my depression. I can only hope I feel more like I do right now and feel inspired to deal with it up front and not let it pile up in an unmoveable mountain.

I honestly have a lot of things I want to say to a number of people. Thank you to everyone on the Colorado trip for the fun times and hospitality. It was fantastic to see many of you that I haven't seen in ages. It is fantastic to talk to a number of you online now, and I'm lucky to call a lot of you friends. Really, I guess I'm just happy with everything right now, and we're going to pretend that this bliss will last. Now if only it would warm up outside... =/

Airlines...

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 08:00:26 GMT

Well, it's about 2:49 AM now. I arrived in Detroit at around 2:10. I was supposed to be home in Rochester at around 10 PM. Instead, I'm here at my parents house. What happened? Well, after getting to the airport in Denver at around 12, my flight that was supposed to leave at around 2, ended up leaving well after 4. I had almost a 2 hour layover scheduled in Minneapolis, and because of these delays I missed my connecting flight by about 15 minutes. What really ticks me off is that I could have had a $300 voucher if I had just stayed in Denver for another day. Instead, I've had to sit in airports all day long, switching flights, dealing with delays, and generally feeling crappy. I'm really pissed off because I made the decision to take the flight because they boarded us at around 3:10, and the estimated arrival time gave me 45 minutes to make my connecting fight. A little close, but I figured that should have been plenty of time. Except that we sat on the tarmac for another 45 minutes waiting for the baggage crew. That's right, the baggage crew, for no apparent reason. So because of that, I'm out of $300 dollars, and probably getting into Rochester even later than I would have if I had stayed the night in Denver.

They wanted to put me up in Minneapolis for the night, but I was lucky enough to find a later flight that took me into Detroit for the night, and my parents were nice enough to come pick me up. I really didn't want to stay alone in a city where I knew practically no-one (Sorry Kellic, didn't know if the number I had for you was even current) with nothing to do, until late tomorrow.

The earliest flight ANYWHERE that I could get back to Rochester is 5PM tomorrow, or rather, today I guess. That's around 20 hours after my scheduled arrival time. And what did I get out of this? $18 voucher for food from the airlines... that I had to use at the airport. Fantastic. You can bet I'm going to write them a long ass letter complaining and hoping for some kind of compensation.

So, in short, I'm grumpy and riled up, as well as tired. Tomorrow's flight will be my 5th in four days, and I can safely say I'm sick of airplanes.